I don’t want to do it.
But I have to do it.
And I want to do it.
I like to do it.
But I don’t want to do it.
Do I have to do it?
But we need to do it.

Yes, I have been talking to myself, for itineration is only a year away. We already are thinking about it, scheduling our lives for next year.

Next June, we will pack our bags, store our belongings, and return to the States for a year of itineration. We will see many of you, share about the work in Moldova , raise lots of money for projects and church plants (hopefully!), preach countless times, eat at enough restaurants to memorize the menus AND long to return home to Moldova!

Missionaries live a strange life. (Some would say that we just are strange, but that is a different problem!). We are permanent transients, an oxymoron if I’ve ever heard of one! Our work, our life, and our friendships are now centered in Eastern Europe . After each term overseas, we uproot and return to America , placing temporary roots for one year. Then we repeat it all over again, ripping up our lives and moving back overseas!

Do you understand our dilemma? It is so easy to have conflicting emotions at the same time: excitement and apprehension; anticipation and dread; frustration and enjoyment. Can something be both good and bad at the same time? Can our heart be in two different places at the same time?

As a follower of Christ, I’ve often lived with that type of tension. The Apostle Paul lived in inner conflict, confessing that he wished he could just be home–in heaven, but his heart for the church made him want to stay and disciple the Church. He longed to be free from his thorn in the flesh, but knew that it kept him dependent on Christ.

Jesus had an inner battle in the Garden, as he wrestled with what was to happen. As a man, he did not want to go through what was to come. It was not a simple decision to say to God the Father, “Not my will but yours.”

It is a common experience to wrestle with dueling emotions, conflicting thoughts, and warring wills. We often want our way, not His will. We want to live in the pleasure of the instant, not live for delayed gratification.

We want to follow God with all our hearts, but our human nature tugs the other direction.
We want to be people of faith, but we cannot squelch every weed of doubt.
We want to be satisfied, but then that new catalog comes in the mail!

We do look forward to coming back to America . It will be fun to catch up with you, to preach in your churches, and to share what God is doing in Moldova . I look forward to Caribou Coffee, Blue Cheese burgers, and deep-dish Chicago-style pizza (but not the resulting raise in my cholesterol level).

So it is with excitement that I start scheduling services for 2006 and 2007! And also with a little dread.

Your permanently transient missionary,
Andy Raatz